Free Patterns

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Funny Story (Rated R for explicit anatomical wording)

As you know, I have an older dog, Roz (fuzzy creature on right). Roz is the sweetest dog ever. Roz is not a normal dog. Roz has "issues".

First, Roz has seizures. They are now controlled with heavy drugs. She is drugged morning and night and rather enjoys her state of drugged bliss. No more seizures. Improved living through pharmaceuticals. Living in happy land.

Second, Roz is a hermaphrodite. Yes. You read that correctly. H. E. R. M. APHRODITE. Why does it not rhyme with Aphrodite? That would be funny. But, I digress as usual...

Roz had a cyst on her side that was growing and getting really bad. Made an appointment with the vet to have it surgically removed. Brought her in, dropped her off, went home, awaited the call to pick her up.

At about 11 I got a call from the vet. The vet was concerned because Roz had what she thought was a cystic growth in her vagina. We talked a bit. The vet said it was so close to the vulva that it would soon protrude and block the urethra.

Protrude? Protrude, I thought. HA!!! This was my vet saying that my hermaphrodite dog had a cyst! I interrupted the woman's cautionary cancer tale with "You do remember that Roz is a he/she? A hermaphrodite. Before you go removing this "cyst", make sure you are not palpating a penis."

Vet, very condescending, "Hermaphrodites don't present as female."

"Mine does. Please just make sure it is not a penis."

Vet, still condescending, "Alright, but..."

"My dog has a penis, it protrudes on occasion. She is not a she. She is not a he. She is the poster dog for Transgender beings everywhere. Scientific proof that it does happen!"

Vet saw no humor in this. Said she would call me back after a visual inspection of my poor Rozie's privates.

A few minutes later, humbled vet, "You were right, it is a penis. I have never seen such a thing."

Poor Rozie, the humiliation of it all. I need to take her to therapy now because she didn't know she was built wrong...

Moral? Is there one? Are you a veterinarian? If so, sometimes the owner is right!

7 comments:

Strange said...

Ha ha! Poor Roz. Her embarrassment is both educational and funny! She should the spokesperson for hermaphrodites worldwide. Have her own poster and everything.

Restless Knitter said...

That's the first time I've heard of that. She's still cute :)

Lorraine said...

Bev- Poor Roz. It's not her fault. She's probably saying "pass the drugs, please"!

Becca said...

Did you ever read Middlesex? Great book! Read it to Roz, (s)he has no reason for embarrassment! Only the vet in this scenario should be embarrassed. I just like saying M-Bare-Assed! Has a lovely ring to it.......

Sigrun said...

Years ago, we used to raise hogs. We did have the odd (I mean rare, not weird) hermaphrodite pig, but i can't remember how they presented, or how we knew what they were. We also had one gay pig, and one boar that didn't discriminate between the head and the rump. Nature is interesting. How is the garden?

CatR said...

Our family dog, Murphy, is an example of a vet not questioning the owner. They really should have taken a closer look at the nether bits, rather than accepting my mother's word. We wondered for ages why our new puppy didn't raise his leg to pee...

Boondock Ma (Kim's Mom) said...

Now that was a close call! LOL Sorry, Roz, I do feel for ya, but, well, hopefully, now that the ordeal is over you can see the humor ;-)